After more than 25 years of experience with child custody and family law issues here in Shepherdsville, Mount Washington, Shelbyville, Taylorsville, Radcliff, Elizabethtown, Jeffersontown, and Louisville, Kentucky, and based in part on my own personal experience, I thought it might be helpful to share a couple of best practices when your child visits the other parent during or after a divorce. The central principle when it comes to child custody and visitation is the best interests of the child. Some of these things might feel a bit counter-intuitive to your natural responses as a parent, but sharing custody is about doing what is best for your kids:
- Avoid telling them how much you’re going to miss them, or calling to tell them something like “I just wanted to hear your voice…”
Psychologists tell us that children process a lot of emotions during and after a divorce. They don’t want to upset or disappoint you. It is not in their best interests for this type of pressure to be added to their thoughts or for them to be worried about you being upset or lonely while you are apart. Your kids want both of you to be happy, and worrying about you missing them or being unhappy adds more pressure on them. Children tend to focus on where they are, and shouldn’t need to be worried about you being unhappy or alone while they are gone.
- When they come back after a visit, refrain from asking if they had a good time or what might have been said by your former partner.
What if they did have a good time? They know the two of you are divorced, and telling you they had a good time with the other parent might make you sad or even upset with them. How are they supposed to answer that without potentially upsetting you? No parent wants to manipulate their kids or make them feel caught between two people they love, who may or may not even like one another. You want them to be happy, not caught up in some adult plot. It’s best to let them tell you whatever comes to their mind. No need to prod.
- One of the best practices when your child visits the other parent is to tell them to “Have a great time.”
Give your kid(s) the gift of love and freedom to enjoy their time apart; it is best to let them know you’ll be fine. There should be arrangements to ensure each child is in contact with the other parent while they are apart, but no pressure for them to have to do so. Certainly, don’t apply guilt if they miss a connection or two or a check-in. If it happens every now and then, that is normal and natural. If there is a pattern of missed communications when you are apart, there may be issues with the other parent, not the child. One-offs should be tolerated now and then. A pattern needs to be discussed with our offices. It’s not ok for the other parent to interfere with the communication between you and the child.
- Don’t ask who the other parent is dating, or ask them not to tell about someone in your life.”
Do you think asking your child to serve as a spy is healthy? If they are asked to report to you, wouldn’t they also feel pressure or responsibility to report the other way as well? Using your child to gather information about the other parent is not in the best interests of the child. Nor is it appropriate or in their best interests to expect your child to keep secrets from the other parent or even the other kids. Psychologists warn about forcing a child to carry the weight of this form of adult responsibility. Kids aren’t your confidante. They don’t have the maturity or emotional strength to handle this type of weight.
- Communicate with the other parent directly, not through the child(ren).
It may seem harmless to share something as simple as “Could you tell your Dad I’m going to be a bit late picking you up on Thursday?” It doesn’t matter if the information itself seems harmless or even helpful. The child is not a messenger. Parents should communicate directly with each other at all times. It is not in the child’s best interest to carry the responsibility of a messenger.
These ideas have been developed by communities of psychologists committed to protecting and creating the best possible experiences for children of divorce. They are not meant as a criticism or lecture but to expand awareness and offer alternative thoughts.
The vast majority of parents truly do have their child’s best interests at heart. They may not realize a casual comment or behavior can actually add pressure to a child’s world. It is in your best interest and the best interests of each child to continue developing your awareness and best practices when your child visits the other parent during or after a divorce. Divorce is hard on the children, and most parents want to make sure they are surrounding their children with love, support, and understanding.
We invite you to contact us via e-mail, schedule an appointment or call us today at (502) 509-1490 to get answers to your questions and to learn more about your unique circumstances and how to protect what is most important to you in your family law case.
